I will be away for a few days(it's my birthday so by away I mean drunk). So here is a bonus Greg Tale(woo-oo), this one from Melbourne Australia, around 2 years ago. I hope my Grandma never finds out that I did this....
I was sat in my regular spot at the Melbourne Connection 'bar' when a stout man bristled through the doors. 'Anyone here looking for work?' I was, but didn't want to volunteer for anything that might entail some hard graft. I remained quiet. The man then explained 'I need about 30 people to work at the sex convention next week' My interested was piqued. He handed us a few fliers and, in a rush, left. 'Just text the number if you know anyone who is interested'.
That was the frst time I met Pervy Paul, manager of Condom Kingdom. Sensing that this could well be the greatest employment opportunity ever, I started spreading the word and trying to recruit as many friends to the Condom Kingdom cause as possible. Six or seven of us texted away and eventually got a reply to go to a meeting. There was free beer(Jamey and I greedily drank more than our fair share) and soon it became clear that everyone in the room was pretty much assured of a job.
Pervy Paul explained the job, a straight forward retail operation, except we would be selling an array of pleasure devices and adult novelties. We were given factsheets about the various products(of course I was already fully versed in such things) and given our shifts.
At first it was very strange to be talking to men and women - complete strangers - of all ages about sex toys, but this was not the time for British reserve. I was assigned to sell 'showbags' - A basic vibrator with lots of novelty tat thrown into a bag as a souvenir for the show. My approach to selling these was much like the shopkeepers at a fruit market, booming '$25 SHOWBAGS!!, A $30 VIBE IN A $25 BAG, THE BEST DEAL AT SEXPO' At least twice every minute. Thousands of dollars went through my tills. It was exhausting work, long days with no breaks. Luckily my voice held out, others were not so lucky. You need a strong throat in this business.
Don't I look like I hate my job?
During the course of the show I was sometimes moved away from my beloved showbags to other products. One such thing was called the 'remote controlled love egg'. It was a small rubber egg, which goes in a certain part of a ladies anatomy and has a wireless remote control. The idea being that you give your partner the control and they can give you a pleasing buzz at their pleasure. The thing about this product is that all the eggs were on the same radio frequency - if you buzz one you buzz all eggs within range. We only had a couple of display models which had batteries as we didnt want an entire wall of vibrating eggs.
I was demonstrating the egg to a couple "And then when you press the button...' I pushed the button and heard a shriek in the crowd. Someone in the crowd had been wearing an egg and was within my range. I was being paid to electronically rape the public.
I met many weird and wonderful people as you can imagine. The truth is the vast majority of the attendees of sexpo were regular everyday people, but the strange ones were so strange that they naturally imposed themselves on your memory. At one point a tiny Indian women aged at least fifty waddled up to me. I was standing next to a display of the higher-end vibrators.
'What is the biggest one you have?' said the woman in a thick Indian accent.
Luckily working in this environment completely de-sensitizes you from the strangeness of such questions, I went straight into salesman mode and described 'Big Ben', a dildo of truly Herculean proportions. 'I'll take three.' And she handed me over $150. I often wonder what such a small woman could possibly do with three dildos of that size. I have concluded in my mind that she was probably found dead in a motel room the next morning.
It truly was a sad day when sexpo left town. When your office is a sex convention with strip shows every half hour the normal 9-5 experience doesn't really stack up. We got paid a decent amount and we all stocked up on goodies, Jamey going as far as to steal an 'Ultimate Sex-kit' worth a hundred dollars. Unfortunately Condom Kingdom was at the lower end of the sex toy spectrum and the experience was apparently less than ultimate.
Also during my time at sexpo I managed to get a massive hole in the buttocks of my jeans. I dont know how and I would prefer never to find out. Happy memories.
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